Today's rant

A customer ive been trying hard to crack confirmed work with me amounting to just over 103,000 dollars spread over 2 months. That normally means that i had a nice day today.

But now i just discovered that this customer wanted to confirm the same gig earlier today with W for 110,000 dollars - and W turned them down because they were full already. That leaves one feeling like B grade whore (not sure where i got the idea for such a description, but,um, im sure that one gets the idea)

W is the world's largest manufacturer of the same stuff that we make too, and ,we, of course, are a much more,um, modest-sized producer ('still struggling to position ourselves in the market' -- as the old man says)

W as a corporation is about 5 times the combined size of all our verticals combined together - they've been making this product for 20 years - and we for 4 - and they are run by an established team of highly paid professionals - there are 5 regional managers covering different geographies and they've single handedly mot$#$#ed the whole worldwide market and screwed all major producers one by one. So in all ways, they are a much bigger company with lots of resources at their disposal. Of course our outfit has, like, miles to go to reach the levels W have reached.

But still the fact that the customer actually wanted to go with W - and even paying 7000 more for similar (well, not exactly same - but still technically Yes) stuff - really makes me mad. Really really mad.

I think that one of my main defects as a person is that i really get irrationally obsessed with what i do & thusly produce work of passable quality - only when i am consistently put through such ego smashing circumstances.

So, during a particularly productive phase during the year, like now, for example, i am a depressed, emotional wreck - because of the shouting, yelling, begging, pleading, bitching, cursing and the turmoil that comes with charged situations. Its especially hard on a guy like me - as people who know me well will say - a guy with a super large ego.

I wonder if there is other, less crazy methods to motivate oneself consistently.